PRELUDE
This isn't a regular story. This is a daily journal of my Chastity experience with Mistress Emma.
How we got to this point will be part of another story. It started with a very small and seemingly innocent deal, and being locked into chastity for 1 or 2 weeks. But along the way, it escalated into this behemoth of an experience, with an extremely dire consequence for me.
Mistress Emma and I wanted everyone to have a full, raw, pure & detailed account of the entire experience.
She ordered me to keep a journal every day. So all slaves who might be scared to take the plunge could read first-hand about what it could be like. At least, that was the initial goal. I don't know if the end result will convince anyone to actually try it, though. Probably quite the opposite.
But for that reason, I didn't polish or edit the writing. Or tried to make it into a story. You will be able to read my unfiltered thoughts, as they are being written. To give you the most honest account possible. Of both the incredible highs and the darkest lows. And trust me, both were there.
Sometimes I write about earlier during the day or the day before (you'll notice it by the past tense), and sometimes I'm writing it the moment it's happening.
Now, I can safely say that this experience will be different for everyone. Mistress Emma told me about 2 completely different experiences from Her other slaves and how far apart they were.
When She told me about them, I wondered which of those 2 cases I would end up like. In the end, my journey turned out to be completely different. As you'll read in the journal, my mind gets more & more depraved the hornier I get. And it has the tendency to get me into even deeper trouble than I already am. Continuously making it worse for me. And relishing the excitement of it. And the end result is far beyond my wildest imagination or anything I ever dreamed of. I went sooo fucking far down the rabbit hole, it's hard to believe it myself.
Now I will stop this introduction, and we'll go straight to the journal, as anything before that is much less exciting anyway. If the first few days feel slow, trust me, it picks up around day 5…
DAY 1
Today was the locking session with Mistress Emma.
She had contemplated milking me dry before locking me up, but then decided against it. It would be "too predictable, She said. So instead, She locked me up immediately at the start of the session, and proceeded to tease me relentlessly for 3 hours, without giving me an orgasm or release. She thought that was a wonderful start to our chastity experience… Fucking Hell.
I'm not going to give you all the details of the session, as She really went out of Her way to tease me and make my head explode.
I will tell you that the locking-up part was quite amusing, as she wanted to use "one-time use numbered locks" to avoid cheating, but the cage we were using did not really accommodate that. So we "MacGyvered" a way, and in the end, it worked.
The teasing was so incredibly hot. Rubbing my balls, moaning in my ear and "jerking me off" while She made me watch. Of course, the jerking off was an incredibly cruel form of denial, since She was basically jerking off my cage and I couldn't feel a thing…
Mistress Emma made my head explode so badly that I started blurting out VERY BAD IDEAS.
I started talking about how someday I hope my Goddess locks me up for months at a time. That when She locks me up, I'm only allowed to unlock again when I visit after Her next vacation. And that when I visit Mistress Emma, She can decide to start all over again with that if She wants to. I also said that it would be so hot if, at one point, Mistress Emma would allow me 10 min of freedom where I could try to cum, but I had to use "numbing cream" while masturbating. And if I didn't get to an orgasm within those 10 minutes with the numbing cream, I would have to lock myself up again.
She was loving everything I was saying. And I knew I was fucking myself over big time. Because Mistress Emma WILL remember that. And she WILL use it against me.
Then after a while, our time was up. And Mistress Emma sent me home, locked in my cage, all aroused.
She said I would need to stay locked up for 2 weeks. At least, we were going to start with that. Mistress Emma wasn't sure yet if She would let me unlock after that, but at least we'd re-evaluate at that point.
Now, you have to know that from the moment I discovered masturbation during puberty, I never ever went more than 3 days without an orgasm. And usually I masturbate 2-3 times per day. So 2 weeks locked up without orgasm is a hell of a long time for me. And I don't know what that will do for me.
Also, for every mistake I made, 20 hits with the Emma paddle would be added to my count. To be received in our next session. And I would receive unexpected check-ups, where I had to show proof to Mistress Emma that I was still locked up with the same numbered lock. To prevent any cheating.
There was one exception I received, and that was 2 days of freedom during a city trip with my family. As it was my first time wearing a chastity cage for a longer period of time, and on the city trip we would be doing a lot of walking. And I didn't know what it would give. And I also didn't want any embarrassing trouble with my family around… I had to make a solemn vow that I would not play with myself or cum during my 2 days of freedom. Luckily, it was quite at the beginning of the lockup, so I feel I will be able to honour that promise without cheating. And of course, I promised to spend those 2 days in chastity afterwards, making it 2 weeks & 2 days for the full duration.
When I got home, I was so excited. I was finally locked in chastity.
DAY 2
I woke up to a message from my Mistress asking for proof that everything was still in place.
Of course, I immediately sent a picture.
Mistress Emma was already having Her fun. Teasing me that there would just be a couple of 100 more mornings like this, and I would be free of the challenge. Or even 1000. She was messing with me and was loving it.
This is the moment when She ordered me to keep the journal.
Mistress Emma also realized how stupid I get when I get horny. As proved by my bad ideas during the locking session.
My Goddess loved it so much that She promised me She was going to take full advantage of my horniness and stupidity during the journey. And trigger my weaknesses as much as possible.
And the more I entertain Her, the longer She will want to keep me in chastity.
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Realization was starting to sink in. I was confused. I was so excited, but I also started to realize that Mistress Emma would probably not let me out after 2 weeks. And that I was in it for a lot longer… My head got scared of that. But my body betrayed me. My cock was pressing against the cage to get hard like crazy.
I was often aroused during the day. I leaked a lot as well.
So excitement & arousal are still obviously beating desperation.
I was fantasizing today about how hot it would be if Mistress Emma kept me locked up for longer than 2 weeks. I have to say I kind of hope She does… It would be so mean. And so hot at the same time.
I asked Mistress Emma to be able to switch from the numbered lock to the regular lock:
- The macgyvered numbered lock wasn't that secure. I could feel it slipping, and my cock almost slipped out once.
- I realized that I will need to clean the cage regularly. The cage itself is actually a bit too large for me, so when I'm leaking, it's building up inside the cage. And it didn't look hygienic if I couldn't clean it every couple of days.
So we devised a way of putting the key in an envelope. I had to make a drawing on the envelope + I put 2 small holes in the envelope and put the numbered lock through it and locked it. Those numbered locks are one-time use. And every time I would clean, I needed to film myself taking the key out of the envelope with the same numbered lock. So if you try to cheat, Mistress Emma would know immediately.
So I tried to do that and video everything, even the cleaning. To prove I didn't cheat. But somehow I fucked up. I tried to hurry to prove I'm not trying to stall for time, but because of that, I pressed the wrong button, and the video didn't get saved. I had that happen in the middle of the process, so I made a video of the rest. But not everything was on it. So, Mistress Emma couldn't be sure I didn't cheat. I was panicking. How could I fuck this up? I felt so bad. I hoped Mistress Emma wouldn't be mad and that She would believe me. It was an honest mistake.
I sent the remaining video to Mistress Emma and explained it to her. Luckily, Mistress Emma believed me. But nevertheless, I fucked up. So She decided to apply the punishment and note down that next time She sees me, I will get 20 hits with the Emma paddle. Again, Mistress Emma wasn't mad. She actually found it funny. Mistress Emma said I was the worst photographer ever while laughing Her ass off. But the Mistress couldn't leave it without consequence. Or otherwise, I might try to do things like that more & more and get careless. Or even try to use it to bend the rules when the desperation gets higher.
I could follow Mistress Emma's reasoning completely, so I gladly accepted the punishment. As long as Mistress Emma believed me, everything was fine. Because I really did just make an honest mistake, because I was trying to hurry & prove I wasn't cheating…
End of day count:
- 20 hits with the Emma paddle
- 2 days in, 15 days to go
DAY 3
Day 3 started quite eventful... in fact, when I woke up during the night, I noticed that the cage was a bit loose. So I checked with the flashlight on my phone, and I saw that the lock had fallen out!!! The cage was loose!!!
I panicked. I didn't want to cheat and couldn't understand how this happened. I immediately took pictures of it and thought about what I could do. So I went to my living room and immediately took one of the numbered locks again to close the cage. So in the end, the cage never left my body.
Yet for a few minutes there, I actually had freedom....
I was so scared to let Mistress Emma know, as I never intended this to happen, and it was out of my control. But it was also just after the fuckup I did the day before 🙄
So I texted Mistress Emma in the middle of the night, with the pictures and explaining everything.
In the morning, when I woke up, I received a message from Mistress Emma that She had carefully evaluated the situation. And Mistress Emma understood it was out of my control, but still thought that there should be a consequence. No hits would be added to my count, though, as it was out of my control. But there would be one extra day of lockup.
When first reading Her message, I felt a little indignant. I felt like I was being unfairly punished for something out of my control. It's not that I minded the content of the punishment. Getting locked up longer could happen at any time anyway, and I appreciated that Mistress Emma didn't add any extra hits to my count.
It was just the principle I was having trouble with. It felt unfair. Because I tried so hard to get the chastity play going (buying my own cage, visiting Mistress Emma quite ad hoc for the chastity lockup, ...), and then something out of my control happened, and I was being punished.
So I tried to ask Mistress Emma politely for her reasoning. Not to undo the punishment, but to understand it. Otherwise, I would keep struggling with it in my head.
Mistress Emma understood and explained it to me. It was simple. I was free. She knew it was out of my control, but nevertheless, I had been free for a moment. And She wanted to be compensated for that.
I could understand and accept that. It wasn't a punishment for anything I did. Or a lack of appreciation for my effort. It was just a dry factual consequence of being free for a moment.
So I thanked Mistress Emma for the explanation. Now I could accept that. And I really appreciated that Mistress Emma explained Her reasoning.
To show my goodwill, and for some practical reasons, I proposed to keep myself locked up for a few days longer still. I would be on a weekend with friends, and otherwise I would have to take it off in the middle of that weekend. So it would be difficult to have a private moment with mistress Emma while finally unlocking.
Of course, Mistress Emma agreed... so the result was that already on my 3rd day of chastity, my lockup period changed from 2 weeks & 2 days to 3 full weeks... and we had only just begun.
To be honest, I found it extremely exciting and hot.
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The horniness is starting to rise immensely this day. Yesterday I was a bit horny, but today it's starting to take over for real. I had a hard time concentrating on work. All I could think of was how horny I was and how much I would love to be able to play with myself.
But Mistress Emma rigorously followed up on my chastity. With multiple unexpected requests for proof, I had to send a picture as proof within 10 minutes. Ensuring I remained firmly locked. And the punishment for cheating would be severe.
This aroused me even more. Mistress Emma's strict enforcement. My main fetish is giving up control. During a BDSM session, that usually means bondage. But that only lasts for a couple of hours. This is a whole other level of giving up control. It lasts weeks. It's more psychological. It's still rigorously enforced. And there is no release of the horniness. So it just continues to build. Which makes the fetish even more "active", which in turn increases my horniness even more because the fetish is constantly being triggered. It's like an endless and ever-increasing horniness spiral.
And we're only DAY 3! It triggers me so hard to think of how desperate I will be in even 1 week. Let alone 2...
How did I ever think this was something I could endure for months? Yet I know Mistress Emma will not let me weasel my way out of that idea. After all, I'm the one who blurted it out myself. So I'm sure that one day, Mistress Emma will make sure I'm locked up for months at a time. And I will go crazy.
I'm so fucked. 😅
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I can't even imagine how big my load will be once I actually get to cum again....
I hope Mistress Emma forces me to eat it... I really do.
Because I'm sure I will have a crazy moment of post-nut clarity after that kind of buildup. And will not want to eat it anymore. But having Mistress Emma force me, as a condition of giving me my freedom back, it's so hot to just think about it.
I'm starting to spiral. I need to stop thinking about these things 🙈
I'm going to try to focus on work now. No idea how I will manage that, but I have to try. Or I will drive myself crazy in that endless loop.
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It's not working. I'm going to take a cold shower and see if that helps to cool me off. Luckily i'm working from home today.
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OK, that worked. Well for 5 minutes at least.
I'm going to apply a nicotine patch. I've smoked 20 cigarettes already today to try and take my mind off the horniness. That's just too much. And yes, we're only 1pm on day 3...
It's kind of ridiculous, actually. I already went without orgasm for 3 days before. So it's not that.
But that was always during busy times when my mind was on something else.
This is different. My main fetish is CONSTANTLY being triggered. That's what makes it so difficult.
I didn't expect it to be this all-consuming.
I hope I get used to it and it will become less pronounced. Otherwise I don't know how I will handle the coming 2.5 weeks…
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I can physically feel the constant triggering and arousal in my stomach. It's hard to explain.
Like, I'm constantly on edge.
It's not even the sensation of the orgasm I'm craving. (well, ok, maybe a little bit)
But it's that my mind keeps going haywire without a moment's rest, that makes it so hard.
I can't get any rest. There is no peace.
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I sent a message to Mistress Emma, describing how intense my day had been. About the spiraling, etc.
I hoped She would offer some reassuring words, telling me there would be easier days as well.
It was an idle hope.
Mistress Emma just replied:
"Nope. It will gradually get stronger, more intense, and severe. Enjoy!"
A little later, Mistress Emma sent me a voice message:
"I know very well that you were fishing for reassurances that you're going to be fine. And I also know very well how the mind works. You can prepare it, and you can help it get through different things. However, my part of this challenge is not necessarily to make your life easier. Of course, if that was the goal, I could have just told you 'yeah you know what, ditch the cage and just enjoy your freedom.' So no, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to be as twisted as I want...enjoy."
Fuck.
I'm exhausted and scared.
This is going to be rough. It's going to be the most intense experience and the worst torture that Mistress Emma has ever put me through.
_______________________________________________________________________
Mistress Emma noticed I was struggling and let the Angel come out for a brief minute.
She sent me a caring and empathic voice note.
Not about releasing me. Not at all. And that's also not what I wanted to achieve or anything.
But just hearing Mistress Emma's caring voice, telling me She understands that it's intense. And that everything will be fine in the end. That this is not forever. (It might be for a good long while still… But not forever.)
Somehow, it made it all better. Easier to bear. It helps me to push through.
My mind is a little more at peace now and I can relax.
Thank you so much for that voice note, Mistress. I really really needed that.
End of day count:
- 20 hits with the Emma paddle
- 3 days in, 19 days to go
DAY 4
Don't get me wrong, I'm even hornier than yesterday. This morning, my morning wood was straining against the cage, which caused the ring to put quite an uncomfortable, even painful, pull on my balls.
And while at the start of this journey, this caused me to soften up again, by now my cock seems to think it's a challenge and just keeps trying to break out of the cage. It's useless, of course, but the painful pull on my balls is triggering me by now as well… I even dreamt I was Mistress Emma's live-in slave while being in chastity for her… That image did not help with the morning wood…
BUT, I found some moments of peace for my head yesterday evening.
And I have a plan for today.
The most difficult thing is not the craving for an orgasm itself (for now…)
It's stopping my head from spiraling and not finding a moment's peace.
But I recognize the feeling from my past. I used to struggle with some mental health issues. One of the symptoms back then was also the spiraling. And I developed some coping mechanisms for it back then.
I'm talking about meditation, breathing exercises, …
So I'm going to try to apply those mechanisms here as well. And hope I can keep the sex-craved mind at bay.
At least for a while. I know it will not work all the time. The craving and spiraling will only get worse. So I will have to let it run its course every now & then.
But at the very least, I want to keep it at bay during the day. So I can get some work done. I cannot afford to do nothing for work for 3 weeks in a row. That's just not an option. So I'm going to have to try to postpone the cravings until the evenings somehow.
Who knows, if this works for the full 3 weeks, I think I could actually consider myself a Zen Master.
Though I'm not so naive as to think it will be smooth sailing. As of tomorrow, we'll be in uncharted territory. I've never been 5 days without an orgasm. And it's still only the start. I still have 18 days left until my re-evaluation. And it's only a re-evaluation, not a certainty of freedom. The way it's going, Mistress Emma might even prolong that… She's having way too much fun with it.
But I'll take it day by day. I have no other choice. Let's see how powerful the sex-crazed beast inside me will get. And whether the Zen Master will be able to control it.
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The guided meditation videos seem to be working. At least partly.
I have to do it regularly, though, but at least it helps me calm down and focus for short periods of time. So I can get some work done.
After a while, though, all my depraved and dirty fantasies start rearing their heads again because of the horniness.
They're the kind of fantasies that I'm always too scared to do. Because I jerk off so much normally, the horniness usually doesn't beat the fear or disgust to actually realize them. In fact, now that I'm writing this, I might be jerking off so much just because I'm too scared of them and to make sure the horniness doesn't outgrow the fear. Because I'm scared of how much shame I would feel afterwards.
I mentioned 2 of them in my journal yesterday, but to be honest, it's only the tip of the iceberg.
In essence, I'm actually not looking forward to the content of the fantasies themselves. They are actually all just variations of my main fetish. Losing control, having no escape, and undergoing things that I would never like normally, but having no choice but to endure it because there is no way out. That's ALWAYS the fantasy. It's the same again with this chastity journey. Giving up control of my orgasms, ruthlessly enforced, and having to endure it with no way out. It's just the content of what I have to endure that differs in those depraved fantasies from the things I regularly do with Mistress Emma.
I'm fairly certain you will find more of them written down in this journal as the journey continues.
And I wonder if the horniness of being locked up for so long might one day actually beat the fear of realizing them.
Some of them might conflict with being denied an orgasm and being locked up. But some of them actually don't...
So there is a secret hope (and fear) growing inside of me that when Mistress Emma reads my journal and gets to see the depraved fantasies that live inside my head, She will use my horniness against me and will push/force me to realize them. It might just be the only way to actually have my horniness outgrow my fear and have me experience them for real. Like, for example, making the realization of a fantasy a prerequisite for gaining my freedom back. That actually would be quite amazing and scary at the same time. It would be a new way for Mistress Emma to push my limits.
Most of those fantasies are not things that Mistress Emma provides herself, though I believe. As they move more towards the dirty and perverse side of BDSM, and not the hard physical side. In fact, Mistress Emma doesn't know about them yet. Not because I wanted to keep it a secret from Her. But because She wouldn't provide them anyway. And I didn't want to disrespect Her by bringing things up that She doesn't provide. And maybe also a little bit because I might be ashamed of the fantasies...
So I don't know what Mistress Emma will think of them. Of what She would think about helping me realize them. Maybe She will just be disgusted with me for having them. Chances are actually quite realistic for that last one.
In any case, Mistress Emma will get to know me like no one else because of this journey. As there is not a single person on this planet who knows that I have those fantasies. That thought alone warms my heart. That there will be someone who sees and knows me fully. The good, the bad, the beautiful, and the depraved. I just hope Mistress Emma accepts me when I'm laid bare and She sees it all.
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Today was a much better day than yesterday. The meditation worked and allowed me to achieve a minimum of productivity for work. Not as much as a regular day, but enough at least.
I'm taking that as a win. (I learned during my mental health struggles that small wins matter, so I'll enjoy this one)
The horniness didn't disappear, however. It was just banished to the evening.
And it's hitting me like a storm.
I'm also making it worse for myself… I'm actually watching porn, which doesn't help. But it's the price I pay for a minimum of productivity during the day. I at least need to let the cravings out during the evening then.
And instead of trying to fight it, I'm going all-in and enjoying the ride for now. (until my next mental breakdown)
End of day count:
- 20 hits with the Emma paddle
- 4 days in, 18 days to go
DAY 5
We're in uncharted territory now. And it's also the day I started digging my own grave.
My morning wood (or at least my cock's attempt at morning wood) wasn't going away. It kept trying for 30min... and my cock straining against the cage was actually STIMULATING ME. Up to a point where I feel it might be possible in the future to cum spontaneously from that. That's how good it felt, and that's how horny I am. Just my cock pressing against the cage felt like stroking.
My balls hurt, though. Massive blue balls from all the gooning yesterday evening and the denial of release.
And I'm getting so fucking stupid.
I even messaged Mistress Emma not to forget the things I blurted out during the lockup session. About keeping me locked up during Her entire holiday period somewhere in the future. And the numbing cream idea. I'm actually going to order that last one already. So Mistress Emma has it as an option to fuck with my head.
I'm so fucking dumb right now.
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I'm working from home and had this sudden urge and idea to go and hump my pillow while I'm in my cage. The stimulation of trying to get hard in my cage is stuck in my head, so I wanted to see what it would give.
I should not have done that. This will make the journey 100x times harder.
Humping my pillow in my cage felt sooooooo fucking gooooood. It feels better than sex at this point. I felt like a sex-crazed monkey, humping away at my pillow.
I started leaking so much fucking precum. My pillow is covered with it by now. I will not wash it. I will sleep in it like that. And every night I will hump my pillow so it's covered in fresh precum. And then sleep on it. No washing my pillow cover until I'm unlocked.
The problem is.... I had to stop. I could feel an orgasm building, just from humping my pillow through the cage… And of course, that would be a betrayal towards Mistress Emma. So I managed to stop myself. I don't know if I will be able to, though, when we reach day 10 or 15 or ....
So that's why I shouldn't have tried it. Knowing that I can make myself cum that way in my cage adds such a big temptation i don't know how I will be able to resist it.... as I said, we're in uncharted territory. I don't know how sex-crazed I will become. Every day feels like a new peak. Like, it can't get more intense than that. And every day just pulverises the peak of the day before. I have no idea where this will end. If there is a limit. Or it just keeps increasing.
In any case, I let Mistress Emma know about my pillow-humping adventure. Telling Her that She will need to set an extreme punishment for me if I actually hump myself to completion. And that the punishment will have to be terrifying. It will need to outweigh the ever increasing horniness. I don't know how I will restrain myself otherwise.
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Fuck, my plan to ask Mistress Emma for a deterrent for cumming in my cage backfired immensely.
Mistress Emma loved the fact that I was struggling to prevent an orgasm so much that She didn't want to make it easier on me. So instead of forbidding me an orgasm or giving me such an extreme punishment that I wouldn't dare to cum, Mistress Emma put the decision to cum entirely in my hands.
BUT, She attached a consequence to it. For each orgasm I have before gaining my freedom officially from Her, She will add 100 strokes with the Emma paddle to my count. (Btw, all strokes on my count will have to be executed in a single session…)
At first, I didn't understand the severity of what Mistress Emma was saying. I thought: "Ok, that's difficult to bear, but not IMPOSSIBLE." I don't know if that will deter me from going for an orgasm. Which would mean I would fail Her challenge and betray Her. Which I didn't want. So I asked Mistress Emma for a more extreme punishment… Mistress Emma refused, however.
And while Mistress Emma was explaining Her reasoning for it, it started to dawn on me how much worse Mistress Emma's consequence would be for me. And how twisted it was. This was pure evil. And She designed it that way on purpose.
In fact, I'm allowed to cum. She's not forbidding it. But She added an extra dimension & consequence to it, that might stack up quickly. And She's making it much more difficult for me mentally.
If I manage to hold myself back and not orgasm, Mistress Emma has fun in knowing how difficult it is for me, since I'm not explicitly forbidden. I would be constantly struggling with weighing my options. Either I give in and give myself pleasure now, which would cause a lot of suffering later, So it's a constant mindfuck. Forbidding me would have been a lot easier on me.
On the other hand, if I fail and have an orgasm in my cage, Mistress Emma has the pleasure of delivering 100 hits with the Emma paddle. And I will have had the taste of an orgasm again. Since I'm still locked, 1 orgasm after x days of denial will not be enough to alleviate all the horniness. And it will start to rise again quickly. And since I would have had a taste of it, the memory would still be sharp and fresh in my mind. Constantly tempting me to have another release… Which would again add 100 strokes to my count…
That, plus the fact that it would actually excite me to do a real punishment session with Mistress Emma. When we do a hardcore session, at a certain point, Mistress Emma shows empathy for my suffering & slows down. Which is normal, as there is no fixed number of strikes to endure, and otherwise it would just go on forever. However, when it would be a punishment session because of a rule break, Mistress Emma will not show that mercy. There will be a fixed number of strikes, and She will execute the punishment until it's done. The ONLY reason Mistress Emma would stop is if I were to faint. Nothing else would stop Her from executing the punishment fully. And Mistress Emma already told me She would stop before I faint to give me a small break. So She can continue afterwards. Not out of mercy. But to make sure the punishment can be completed in full.
So with that seemingly "not too impossible" punishment, She added a whole new layer of twisted mindfuckery to this chastity play. She's putting every decision in my own hands.
In fact, there are no rules. Instead, what she's giving me are consequences. And it's my own job of weighing my horniness vs the consequences.
It's so fucking exciting. I'm currently planning to hump my pillow every evening to cover it in fresh precum. And then sleep on it. Every evening until the end of my chastity sentence.
I will (try to) stop before I actually cum. And see how many days I can last doing that successfully.
The pillow humping actually feels better than sex right now. And the challenge of having to stop before I cum, coupled with the dangerous consequences of failing… Especially if I fail multiples, those hits will start racking up…
IT'S SO FUCKING HOT…
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I've been humping my pillow for 2 hours straight now… Edging myself. Always trying to get me as close as possible to an orgasm, to see if I can reach it. But stopping just before it happens. It feels soooo fucking good… In fact, as it turns out, when feeling this horny, my mind has a tendency to try to make it more challenging and worse for me.
And so this is the point where I put my shovel in the ground and started digging my own grave.
I sent the following message to Mistress Emma:
"Fuck, I was barely able to stop myself from cumming. It was really close. 🙈 but oh so hot.
Can you please force me and make this a mandatory daily task, mistress? 🙈 (Starting after this weekend)
- At least once per day i would need to edge myself in my cage until I leak precum. Starting this Sunday evening until the 27th.
- Either with pillow humping or putting the slubb around my cage. (or anything really)
- I would need to provide proof (pic or video) of both the edging and the resulting precum. (I sometimes leak automatically by now, so proof of the edging itself would need to be included)
- If I fail to do it or fail to provide sufficient proof of both the process and the results, 20 hits with the Emma paddle would be added to my count. (Judgement of sufficient proof is entirely at your discretion)
- If I let it go too far and actually cum, 100 hits with the Emma paddle would be added (as established already)
What do you think of this idea, Mistress?? 🙈🙈🙈"
It was late already, so Mistress Emma was already fast asleep. I went to bed, dreaming about what She would say when She saw the message in the morning. There was no going back now…
End of day count:
- 20 hits with the Emma paddle
- 5 days in, 17 days to go
(PS. Mistress Emma has shown me a picture of what one of Her slave's ass looked like after 200 hits with the Emma paddle. It was raw and bloody. And as of now, I will hump my pillow 17 days in a row, edging myself. And with each failure, I will suffer 100 hits. I might be digging my own grave, but fuck, I can't help it.)
DAY 6
I woke up and saw that Mistress Emma had left me a voice message. It was Her reply to my proposal to dig my own grave for Her.
Of course, Mistress Emma jumped on that immediately. She said I was setting up a trap for myself. But She absolutely loved it. Before, She put the decision entirely into my hands, just giving me consequences. I didn't HAVE to edge… Just, if I did edge & couldn't stop myself, there would be Hell to pay.
But now, due to MY OWN DESIGN, I just made this a mandatory daily challenge.
Mistress Emma was looking forward to seeing how much trouble I would get myself in. Possibly accumulating an immense amount of extra hits. And then being able to deliver them all in one session.
It was sooooo hot to hear that message.
But it was time to take my cage off now. I was going to walk around in Amsterdam with my family the entire day today.
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It just felt fucking wrong. Not wearing my chastity cage… Somehow, I was walking around fully free. Now I would never try to cheat during the day. I could easily walk into a bathroom and quickly jerk off. It wouldn't take long with the state I'm in… But that just would feel so… So dull.
I mean, we were doing this freakishly intense chastity game that lasted for weeks. It was so fucking exciting, and the tension was starting to achieve unimaginable heights. And then I would just rub one off in a public bathroom? Betraying the trust Mistress Emma put in me? After I just had Her give me that crazy challenge?
No fucking way. If I was going to cum, I was going to do it while failing the challenge. Not like this.
+ It kind of felt like my physical connection to Mistress Emma was gone… I always had Her with me for the last 6 days. Like physically… I mean, it was basically like She herself was wrapped around my cock 24/7… (Sorry, Mistress. I truly mean no disrespect. 😀 But to be honest, that's how I'm imagining it now… I hope you will forgive me for that, given that you are the one who put me in this mental state… :D)
So, of course, I let Mistress Emma know how I felt. And She responded immediately, saying that She felt the same. In fact, earlier this morning She was already contemplating sending me a message to tell me I had to keep my cage on instead of taking it off. Because it just didn't feel right… So in fact, it seems Mistress Emma and I were fully on the same page. But being the generous & fair person that She is, Mistress Emma didn't want to come back on our agreement at the last minute. She made the deal with me, and She would honour that.
However, since I felt the same way, I asked Her to order me to lock back up again the first chance I get when I'm back at the hotel. And that it should not come off again for any reason (other than SUPERVISED cleaning). No exceptions. And that felt sooo much better. Knowing that I would be caged again for Mistress Emma. Beautiful, gorgeous Mistress Emma.
And obviously, She didn't hesitate for one second.
I just sent: "Fuck, I love you". I couldn't hold it back.
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Finally, I'm back in my hotel room & the cage is right back where it should be.
I showed proof to Mistress Emma immediately. And of course, I also started humping my pillow again. I'm literally devolving into a baser life form.
I'm so sure I fucked myself over with that challenge. The humping felt sooo good. One day, I would cave and explode. Or it would happen just so suddenly that I can't stop it anymore.
I just asked Mistress Emma to be extremely strict on judging whether I edged sufficiently. If She feels I'm taking it easy on myself during the challenge, Mistress Emma should add 20 hits to the count. I want to have the edge to the absolute limit every day and stop just before exploding. To make the challenge even harder.
Again, as usual, we were on the same page. Mistress Emma assured me that She already was going to do that anyway.
I'm giving Her ALL the tools to start racking up hits with the Emma paddle & give Her the punishment session of Her dreams.
And I kind of changed my mind about wanting to receive pictures of Mistress Emma's cleavage… I had been asking for them, but She always denied me. Telling me I was being too cheeky and I was having too much fun still… And now I was scared to receive them. If She would send it while I was doing my edging challenge, it might push me over the edge. Triggering an orgasm and giving me 100 hits.
Of course, as always, I told Mistress Emma everything that popped into my head. And this was the moment She decided to do the exact opposite. And send pictures of Herself…
NNggggghhhh fuck.
When She sent me the pictures, out of reflex, I moved my hand towards my penis… Wanting to jerk off.
Of course, the cage was in the fucking way. So just to try, I grabbed my cage in my hand and started to move it slightly up and down… But like REALLY SLIGHTLY. And oh my fucking goddess… IT FELT LIKE JERKING OFF!!!! This discovery hit me like a bomb. This is sooo fucking dangerous. I found a way to do something that actually feels like jerking off. And with my horniness, it would cause me trouble.
I sent Mistress Emma a video of that. And She kept teasing me with her excruciatingly hot voice messages. How She loves to fuck with my head. How much She's enjoying this. How fucked I will be. How She's pointing me to wherever She wants me. How She will only keep making it worse for me.
At this point, all my better judgment was out of the window. There were only URGES. Deep, savage, animalistic URGES.
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It's 3am now, and I've been edging for 4 fucking hours. It's impossible to stop.
But something just happened. There was a sudden & quite big rush of precum flowing out. But like, A LOT. It wasn't just a little bit of leaking like usually happens with edging. It was a real stream… Not spouting out into the air, but like flowing out and down my cock/cage.
It wasn't cum, though. It was completely clear…. So it was precum… But I never had that much leaking out and with that speed. Normally, it's a little drip.
So I took pictures and sent them to Mistress Emma, saying that I'm confused and that I don't know if that was an orgasm or not.
It didn't matter, though. A short time later, the orgasm happened anyway…
My first orgasm in my cage…
And officially, the challenge will only start tomorrow. I was just too horny and couldn't stop myself anymore.
At this point, I had dug my grave. But it's also when I noticed a rabbit hole in the grave I made for myself. And I had just started falling into it. And just like Alice in Wonderland, the rabbit hole will be so much deeper than I could ever imagine.
End of day count:
- 120 hits with the Emma paddle
6 days in, 16 days to go
DAY 7
Mistress Emma saw the result of my edging and happily replied:
"Congratulations S. You have just added 100 hits to your account!"
And I just know those won't be the last ones. That orgasm felt heavenly. But it didn't lower the horniness at all. One orgasm after 6 days is not enough to cause post-nut clarity. Not by far.
I wondered if there would be physically enough time to apply all the hits in one session, with how I'm doing so far & the daily challenges I initiated myself with Mistress Emma. But Mistress Emma was quick to correct me. The question is not whether it would be physically possible, but actually how much time we would NEED to deliver all the hits in one session. As that was the deal. The torture session is coming my way. And all the consequences of my bad decisions and weaknesses will be executed in 1 session. That was not negotiable.
Mistress Emma actually made a bet with Herself at this point to see how many hits I might reach by the end of this challenge… And She was thoroughly messing with my head. Telling me how much She was looking forward to punishing me with Her paddle. That I would be feeling the results for weeks afterwards.
Mistress Emma was telling me about the punishment She gave another slave of Hers recently. Of 200 hits with the Emma paddle. And that after 200 hits, he couldn't take it anymore. And how dangerously close I was already coming to that count. That there was still a lot of time ahead of us, too. That at one point, I might start to have almost spontaneous orgasms due to the horniness. And those would ALSO count towards the punishment. She was looking forward to that. Mistress Emma would show no mercy.
I was setting the stage for an absolutely wild session like nothing I have ever experienced before, or even could have imagined before.
Mistress Emma kept messing with my head about the punishment session. It was breaking my head. It was making me so fucking horny. I actually took a cold shower at this point to cool off. Because I was scared my cock was going to break the cage from trying to get an erection.
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Mistress Emma's plan was working. My stupid self was in control again.
I sent a message to Mistress Emma, saying I felt something was missing from the punishments… It was a chastity game, but there were no CBT-related punishments. So I had an idea about applying a secondary consequence with the alligator clips. For every 10 hits in my account, Mistress Emma would use 1 alligator clip on my cock & balls for 30 minutes. So when I would reach 200 hits, that would equal 20 alligator clips for 30 minutes. Which is kind of what I went through last time She used them on me.
Of course, I was fairly sure I would exceed the 200 hits, so this time there would be more alligator clips.
Mistress Emma loved where my mind goes when I'm feeling wild. She felt like She couldn't fail me. Of course, we added this to the punishments. She told me to be véry careful. Because every mistake was going to cost me dearly, and Mistress Emma would be there to deliver the punishments.
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Mistress Emma and I decided that for the unlocking on the 27th, we would schedule an unlocking session of 4 hours where Mistress Emma would milk me dry completely. To make the unlocking moment as wild and fun as possible. This would not be the punishment session. That would be the next one after the unlocking/milking session.
We also came up with the idea to let me "buy out" of the last 5 days of challenges. To ensure maximum horniness for that milking session. Of course, I would have to pay the punishment for a mistake to buy out of those days. So 20 hits with the Emma paddle per day bought out.
I was not required to buy out, though. So I had this at my disposal when I needed it.
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Today was my first time edging with the slubb on the cage. I edged 3 times for about 1 minute.
Fuck that was so intense. Putting the slubb on the cage gives an entirely new dimension to masturbating with the slubb. The vibrations are more "indirect"… But given the horniness and that my cock is straining against my cage at that point, the vibrations are felt everywhere, at every place on my cock. It's CRAZY.
I can't take this for long. I have to stop after 1 minute, or I'm afraid I will cum.
I came so fucking close to orgasming. Even minutes after I stopped with the slubb, I felt my cock pulsating, trying to squeeze out an orgasm.
I sent videos to Mistress Emma of my edging and the resulting pre-cum leaking out.
End of day count:
- 120 hits with the Emma paddle
- 12 alligator clips for 30min
7 days in, 15 days to go
DAY 8
I woke up again to a message from Mistress Emma, replying to the result of my challenge.
"This is just sufficient. You did well… So far."
I was like, "What the fuck?" 😅 I barely managed to survive this edging challenge without orgasming…
I asked for more information about Mistress Emma's expectations, because I really wanted to know.
But She thought it was a better idea to make me learn through trial and error. And learning from failing…
Those lessons always stick better, Mistress Emma said.
Fuck.
This is such a trap I set for myself. This punishment session is going to be so fucking bad for me.
Mistress Emma just replied in Her cheery voice:
"Yep, you're welcomed into the I'm fucked, and truly and properly fucked, and fucked and done for good".
That voice message alone got me leaking in my cage like crazy. Mistress Emma was messing with me.
She kept sending me voice messages like that. Getting my pre-cum flowing continuously.
So, obviously, there was only one thing I could do. And that is to come up with another stupid idea.
I proposed that Mistress Emma add an "unlocking fee" to our arrangement. She should not tell it to me up front. Mistress Emma should start teasing & denying me in my cage during the unlocking session. And then when I'm super horny and begging for release, She would tell me the unlocking fee (X number of hits). And I could either accept it, so Mistress Emma would take the cage off & proceed to milk me dry. OR if I didn't want to pay it, She would keep me locked up and let the challenges continue. Of course, the punishment for orgasms would apply until I'm out of the cage. So if She decides to milk me dry in my cage, Mistress Emma would still add hits to my account.
Again, Mistress Emma loves those ideas. And She loves that I can't keep them in the longer I'm locked up.
So of course, Mistress Emma took me up on it. Again. I mean, why wouldn't She? I'm handing Her everything She wants on a silver platter.
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I just discovered I can actually edge myself by just clenching and unclenching my pelvic muscles while sitting at my desk. This causes small rubbing of my cock against the cage, and by this point, even that is intensely stimulating. So I'm constantly edging myself now, even at work. Even during meetings. It's crazy.
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I was at a restaurant with my boss tonight. Having a catch-up dinner. Of course, I let Mistress Emma know, and She immediately took advantage of that by demanding proof… 🙄
Mistress Emma was laughing Her ass off at that one. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to take a picture to provide proof.
I told Mistress Emma how mean She was, and She loved it! Though Mistress Emma promised not to do it again that night, as Her goal was not to get me in trouble with my boss. She just couldn't help Herself when I told Her. And to be fair, I can't blame Her. 😀
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After the restaurant, I suddenly realized that Mistress Emma now had full control over the final number of hits I would have in my count. Because at the end, She can decide on an unlocking fee. Whatever She wants. So I just gave Mistress Emma full freedom on how hard to make the punishment session.
And then I thought, "I'm fucked". Because She will stop for nothing. Not for my pleading, crying, … only when I faint will She stop.
Suddenly, I was thinking about whether it was possible to FAKE FAINTING… Because I know that if it's possible, I would try it. But then I would be weaseling out of what I promised Mistress Emma. And I didn't want that.
So I came up with ANOTHER stupid idea. (My stupid self is the gift that keeps on giving…)
If I actually faint (or fake faint), then the punishment should be regarded as not being completed and thus not being executed. And I would have to go through it again next time, from scratch. To make sure I push through the first time!
Mistress Emma assured me I will not be able to fake that, BUT that She agreed that it will only be over until the time we can execute the punishment in 1 session. She would also keep a close eye on me and see if I would get close to fainting. Then Mistress Emma would stop for a minute. Not out of mercy. Oh no. She would stop & give me a break to ensure I don't faint, so She can continue afterwards! Otherwise She would have to stop the session.
So yeah, Mistress Emma closed off with that cheery voice again: "I'm sorry to tell you, but no, you will not be able to fake that at all. You're fucked. You're really fucked."
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Late at night, I edged myself again with the slubb.
I tried to increase the difficulty for Mistress Emma. To make Her proud.
I fixed the slubb quite tightly to the cage, so it won't come off easily. And I was going to put the slubb on and keep my free hand to the side. And hold out for as long as I can. So even when I feel the orgasm bubbling up, I still have to take the slubb with my free hand and turn it off. Which might cause that little delay that pushes me over the edge if I'm not fast enough.
I stopped after 1 minute 40 seconds. And I thought I made it. It was so fucking close. I felt my cock pulsating. But I really thought I made it.
However, 30 seconds after I turned the slubb off, sperm started to leak out… Slowly…
I had a fucking RUINED ORGASM!!! Sperm came out, and I didn't even have the feeling of an orgasm. And NONE OF THE RELIEF. THIS WAS INSANE. The horniness did not drop AT ALL.
This is going to end badly for me.
End of day count:
- 220 hits with the Emma paddle
- 22 alligator clips for 30min
- 8 days in, 14 days to go
DAY 9
I asked Mistress Emma if we could lower the orgasm penalty to 50 hits per orgasm. Because it was still quite some days to go, and at the rate this was going, the numbers would reach astronomical heights.
It made me quite scared.
Mistress Emma just replied:
"Nope. I know, it makes me quite amused".
Her ruthlessness was so fucking hot. I can't explain it. I'm so scared, but at the same time I'm so horny. It's such a big mindfuck.
I decided then and there that I would buy out of the last 5 days. I knew it would give me 100 extra hits. But those could easily be 500 extra hits if I don't buy out and orgasm every day…
Mistress Emma said it might be a good idea, and that She was already going to purchase extra alligator clips, as it looked like She might be needing more than She has.
Mistress Emma also warned me that this is not a farmer's market. So there will be no refund for the bought-out days. If I have an orgasm during those days anyway, the orgasm penalty will still apply.
I couldn't help myself and replied that while it might not be a farmers market, I was feeling more & more like a milked cow… 😅
Mid-day count:
- 320 hits with the Emma paddle
- 32 alligator clips for 30min
Mistress Emma kept teasing me. She was loving every second of it by now. Mistress Emma had SO MUCH CONTROL OVER ME. It was unparalleled.
After a while, I wished my Mistress a good day and hoped She would enjoy Her sessions. And that I would try & focus on work.
Tough luck! She replied 20 minutes later with: "Good luck with that."
Followed by: "Send proof"
Like, fucking hell! I was just getting into my focus, and then She did that!!!! That was so fucking mean, haha.
AND SHE KNEW!!!! SHE DID IT TO MESS WITH ME!!!!
Fuck, and it was working so much. Knowing that Mistress Emma had so much control over me was triggering me constantly. I absolutely LOVED IT. It was so fucking exciting. Every time I'm getting into my regular routine, Mistress Emma is there to reel me back in. And keep my mind on Her.
And She did it intentionally. Mistress Emma was loving that. And so was I.
This was so intense.
Mistress Emma even said that this experience exceeded Her expectations with how intense it was and how much control She had over me. She loved it.
I was spiralling again. All because of the short message "Send proof".
I did my challenge during the day. I couldn't stop myself anymore. I did manage to avoid an orgasm, though!
Luckily, Mistress Emma was in a great mood, and She will accept the challenge. But She did warn me that She expected me to do better in the future.
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Later this evening, I sent the following message:
"The punishment session will have to be a full-day session. I'm sure of it.
Fuck, a 2-day session even feels hotter. But I know that's not an option. But just the thought of the bruises settling in. And then the next day, You continue to hit me again on my already bruised ass. It would be so wild."
Mistress Emma's reply literally blew my mind:
"You can have the 2nd day session. We can organise the logistics."
LIKE SERIOUSLY????
I WAS GOING TO HAVE A 2-DAY SESSION WITH MISTRESS EMMA!!!
And Mistress Emma was so happy as well. As this meant there were fewer limitations on the challenges and punishments Mistress Emma could give me. Because while She is ruthless, Mistress Emma has to take physical safety & limitations into account. But by extending the punishment session to 2 days, that just increased the ceiling immensely of what is possible.
So yeah. I fucked myself over even harder. And I absolutely fucking love it. 2 fucking days. I sent that as an offhand comment. And somehow, Mistress Emma went along with it.
And of course, my stupidity knows no bounds. And it proposed to revise the punishments. Because the current punishment structure incentivises me to play it safe and take the 20 hits as punishment for failure, instead of risking an orgasm and receiving 100 hits.
Mistress Emma agreed completely, and while She would make sure to reach Her desired number of hits during the unlocking session and She already sent me voice messages about how the skin on my butt will be torn and how deep the bruises will be after only 1 day. And that Mistress Emma will just start again on the second day. She did agree that the punishment structure should be revised to give me a more balanced incentive. And Mistress Emma was looking forward to my ideas. Because it was clear I was coming up with all sorts of things that made life better for Her. Oh She was loving this.
In fact, Mistress Emma also mentioned that up until now, She has been going easy on me with judging how the challenges went. Because She had that physical limitation. But now that that has been removed, the judgments will be a lot stricter from now on.
And this is the point where I discovered just how deep the rabbit hole goes. I went into a self-destructive spiral. I stayed up until the middle of the night, coming up with all kinds of ideas to revise the punishment structure. To give an incentive for actually doing my best while trying to avoid an orgasm.
I sent a shitload of messages to Mistress Emma with all kinds of ideas. Like really, a shitload. So that in the morning, She could just reply to them and pick the ones She liked.
I was kind of embarrassed afterwards by the number of messages I wrote. But I couldn't hold it in anymore. It had to come out. This 2-day session has got me spiraling so fucking hard.
I also asked Mistress Emma to revise the judgments of the previous challenges. It only seemed fair (to my stupid head).
Because reality and circumstances had changed. So the judgment of those challenges should be revised based on that new reality.
End of day count:
- 320 hits with the Emma paddle
- 32 alligator clips for 30min
- 9 days in, 13 days to go
(PS. In case you're wondering what all those ideas were, this is about the time when the contract was being formed, which is also on Mistress Emma's blog for everyone to read. Just look for the "Chastity Contract" blog post. Almost all of the ideas are in the contract. As you can see, that contract had not been there from the start. It all started with a simple 2 weeks of chastity. And along the way, it escalated into a monstrosity of a punishment camp. And it was mostly due to my own doing. Mistress Emma did not force me down this path at all. As you can read in the journal, my own depraved mind is my worst enemy. Mistress Emma just took full advantage of that.)
